The importance of Boundaries

We need boundaries in all aspects of life, in relation to our families and friends, with our colleagues at work, and sometimes even with our own selves. 

Boundaries are not about control, pushing people away, or trying to punish them. Setting your boundaries in a healthy way is about clarifying what is important to you — including your own private space, your time, your needs and your feelings. Communicating those values in a respectful and clear manner, not only can make you feel better about yourself, but it can also improve your relationships with everyone around you. 

Sometimes, a simple "No" can be the clearest expression of love.

If we don’t learn to set boundaries, we risk feeling resentful towards others, or even blame them for how we feel. Sometimes, because of the inability to express our needs, we might even start isolating in order to avoid certain people or situations. A beautiful reminder from Brene Brown: “Always choose discomfort over resentment.” 

Setting boundaries can be something uncomfortable, which we might not want, but most definitely need — all of us. And paradoxically, creating healthy boundaries enables us to be more compassionate and kind, and allows us to meet others from a place of self-respect and self-care. 

How to deal with people who are constantly invading your boundaries:

1. Communicate assertively and make sure that people know how their actions/behaviour are making you feel.

2. Be consistent with your boundaries and try not to send mixed signals around what is important to you.

3. Accept that not everyone will accept and respect your boundaries, and that is not a reflection of you.

4. Don’t spend too much time and energy trying to correct them and educate them. That is not your responsibility.

5. Create a healthy distance from people who are not willing to listen or understand you. Notice how not interacting with them is making you feel.

We say 'No' to others in order to protect our values and needs, while inspiring them and giving them permission to do the same. Setting boundaries can give us a sense of autonomy and safety, and invites healthy and respectful connections.

Boundaries don't require defending, debating, or over-explaining your feelings.

A healthy boundary can sound like: "It's not okay with me that you're yelling, it makes me feel unsafe. I'd like to ask you to stop. If you continue, I'll have to leave the room."

Setting a healthy boundary can simply sound like this, using a clear, direct and firm language. There is no need for over-explanations or arguments. That will only deflect the focus of the conversation from WHAT your needs are, to WHY. And when you need to set boundaries, there is no room for "why", but only for "what" is important to you. The more we give in, the more we invite people to ignore our needs.