The dance of life

What makes us feel safe and comfortable? Where do we get the energy “to do life”, which sometimes can seem tough and requires a lot from us? Do we ever take the time to check in with ourselves and how we really feel?

If you consider this, you’ll find that there is a constant dance in life – a dance between withdrawing into yourself and flowing towards the world. I believe that how we do this dance can influence our well-being, the quality of our lives and the quality of our relations.

I remember being young, I was constantly being told I was an extroverted, dynamic and talkative child, which apparently was a “good thing”. Growing up in my community, I could immediately understand that most parents didn’t want a withdrawn, shy or quiet child. Because that meant something was wrong, they would not succeed in life and were often shamed.

Most of us were thought to ignore the importance of this dance – the dance between “in” and “out”, between movement and stillness, talking and being silent. Many times we were encouraged to choose one side, and even placed in either one or the other: extroversion – introversion, shyness – boldness, success – failure, etc.

I am finding more and more that it’s the movement and interaction between the two that benefits us and teaches us the most, the dance between acting and taking a break, contacting and withdrawing, talking and being silent - without remaining stuck.

From a scientific perspective, the flowing between these two movements is mirrored by our nervous system. When our nervous system is regulated, it’s able to safely move from dorsal (freeze, immobilization, low arousal) or from sympathetic (fight, flight, high arousal) into ventral vagal - where the brain and body work together, and safety comes from social engagement and connection. This is how we learn to self-regulate, not only our nervous system, but life as whole. 

“Self-Regulation” is a fancy way of describing how the nervous system handles stress, emotions and more generally, the way it manages energy. A regulated nervous system is able to balance the sympathetic and parasympathetic system, bringing the body back to homeostasis (body’s ability to maintain internal stability and equilibrium).

Even though some children might be acting out and need more contact with the outside world, this doesn’t mean they have no need for withdrawing and finding stillness and safety within themselves. Later in life, I’ve actually discovered that there are endless inner resources, strengths and capabilities I could access, which I didn’t know how to do as a child. I didn’t even know I had the option to pause, “go inside”, ground myself and check in with my inner experience.

As adults, we are responsible for assisting ourselves in learning this dance, by normalizing needs, feelings and behaviours, recognizing and honoring our differences, hoping this will nurture resilience.

Allowing ourselves to access and use energy from both, “inner” and “outer” worlds is an essential step in our growth and personal development process.

And I believe this is life’s invitation to dance.